News that makes Erica mad

In case you all don't remember, it's October, and that means that in the US it's Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Cities all over the country are holding events to raise awareness about this issue and to support those who have survived intimate partner abuse.

Unless, of course, you're in Topeka, in which case you get a giant middle finger. Metaphorically, that is, although I'm sure there will be literal cases of flipping off too.

What's the issue, you ask? In essence, the city has voted to repeal its misdemeanor domestic battery law in favour of forcing the state to prosecute partner abuse cases instead. The decision came about as a result of cuts to the budget for the county district attorney, which resulted in the DA choosing to cease prosecution of partner abuse cases under state law and let the city handle them under city law. So when the city chooses to repeal its law making partner abuse a misdemeanor, what happens then? Theoretically, the county prosecutor picks the cases right back up again, although I'm still trying to figure out how the ending of the city law magically restores the funding to the county prosecution budget and thus ends the whole fiasco. If no magic wand does the job, though, then we're looking at a very real possibility that the DA won't be able to pick up the slack and keep people safe from their abusers. Already, offenders are being turned loose in some sick version of catch and release.

It all boils down to a giant fucking game of chicken, and I'm very worried that it's going to get someone killed.

From Laurel House: A guest post on the impact of Farrah Fawcett

NB: This post comes to us from the blogs of Laurel House, a non-profit domestic abuse organization in southeastern Pennsylvania where Erica spent a year doing counseling with survivors of domestic abuse.

With the passing of Farrah Fawcett yesterday, it's easy to remember her for the 70s icon that she undoubtedly was. But it is her later work, first in the play Extremities and the 1984 groundbreaking movie The Burning Bed that is significant.

Her portrayals of women affected by violence and domestic abuse allowed others to become educated and aware of the signs of domestic violence.

This was in a time when domestic violence was talked about in a whisper, if at all. The Burning Bed was a controversial movie for the heavy issues contained within.

It was a role that many other actresses might not have felt brave enough to take on, but which Farrah did. And by making a contribution to erase the stigma of rape and domestic abuse, she became a champion for women whose voices were silent. Finally, they were beginning to be heard.

They were heard on the hotlines, and The Burning Bed was reportedly the first such movie to include a toll-free domestic violence hotline at the closing credits, that of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which continues to be available for people in crisis at 800-799-SAFE. Farrah later became a board member of NDVH, and identified with the issue of domestic abuse.

There's no way to measure how many women Farrah touched by her portrayal of a battered wife. But if she saved only one life, or inspired only one woman to seek help and find her way out, then Farrah becomes more iconic in a way that deserves our remembrance, honor and gratitude.

From Erica: How to Help

The question of how to help a friend, family member, or acquaintance who's dealing with intimate partner abuse comes with a lot of answers, not all of which are necessarily wise or effective. When I used to talk to adolescents about this, for example, their first suggestion was always to tell their friend to dump their abuser or to punch the abuser in numerous unpleasant places. Their suggestions were usually funny, but effective? Not so much.

"Why isn't that effective?" you might ask. "They're in danger and their abuser's evil. They need to leave." That is often true, but think back to how a victim often perceives their abuser- someone who does bad things, but truly needs and loves the victim in spite of all that. When you tell a victim to just leave, it can sound a little bit like you don't understand what's going on and are insensitive to the needs of the victim and their abuser.

"Okay," I can hear you saying, "if you're so smart, what are better ways to keep my friend safe?" Well, I'm glad you asked! Here are some tips and suggestions for how to support someone who's being abused.

Criticize behaviours, not the person. Instead of calling someone's abuser a jerk or an asshole, consider discussing particular behaviours that concern you. Telling your friend that it worries you when their partner won't let them go out with friends, or that you're scared for their safety because the abuser says threatening things, is going to go a lot farther with your friend than straight-up insults. Remember that your friend loves their abuser to a certain extent, and also bear in mind that the abuser might've been spreading rumours about you to your friend.

Reassure your friend that you believe them. A common tactic of abusers is to tell their victims that no one will believe them if they seek help. If you can reassure your friend that you believe their story, that's a great first step to breaking the cycle of abuse.

On the same lines, reassure your friend that the abuse isn't their fault. Many abusers blame their victims for the abuse, and over time that becomes difficult for victims to disbelieve. Helping them to gain perspective on who's to blame for abuse is another good step in helping them break the cycle of abuse.

Listen to them. Remember that, as dangerous a situation as your friend might be in, they might not be ready to leave. This can be extremely difficult to deal with as a friend of a victim, but it's a reality that you need to be prepared to handle. Don't stop making sure your friend has access to hotline numbers, but don't put undue pressure on them to leave if they're really not ready.

Get informed! Over the past month we've offered you some information about abuse and the legal and social organizations that deal with it, but there's always more information out there. We can't encourage you enough to check out the website for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

A few don'ts:

• Don't deal with the abusers directly, if at all possible. It might feel gratifying to yell at the abuser, threaten them, or tell them you know what they're up to. But it's a really bad idea! Not only does it put you in danger, but it also increases the likelihood that the abuser will use your behaviour as an excuse to hurt your friend even more.
• Don't offer to let your friend stay with you unless you can be sure that the abuser won't come looking for them there. The last thing you need is an angry, dangerous person showing up at your home, looking for your friend. A better idea? Offer to help your friend get to a shelter or a safe drop-off point.
• Don't become your friend's advocate. By "advocate," I mean the person who assists them in navigating the legal and social barriers to safety. If you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, they can connect you (and your friend!) to local advocacy services that will guide your friend through the legal system. Not only does this mean that your friend is working with people with a lot of experience in this area, but it also means that you can take a step back and do what you're good at- being a good, supportive friend.

So this brings us to the end of our formal Domestic Violence Awareness Month posts. Later this week we'll have a spotlight article from the Laurel House, a domestic abuse organization that serves Southeastern Pennsylvania

As always, if you are experiencing intimate partner abuse or know someone who is, please contact your state's Coalition Against Domestic Violence or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) for information, referrals, and safety-planning. To keep yourself safe, always remember to clear your browser history and, if using a cell phone, your call history.

From Erica: Domestic Abuse and the Law

Apologies that this post is going up late...this week has been a very hectic one!

So part of what's made domestic abuse a unique issue, particularly in the last 20 years, is that it hasn't been legally recognized as a problem in its own right. Prior to 1994, when the Violence Against Women Act was passed and signed into law in the United States, abuse-related problems such as stalking, partner rape, and manipulation were considered individually by the courts instead of as a whole. This is partially due to the fact that there were no interventions for domestic abuse at the grassroots level, either- the first domestic abuse shelters didn't open in the US until 1970.

What this post is going to do is take readers through the four basic components of domestic abuse law that tend to affect the most victims. I'm going to point out some of the biases beforehand, just to get them out of the way. First, many of these laws presume that couples are heterosexual, and are more difficult to enforce when the victim and abuser are the same sex, genderqueer, or otherwise sexually marginalized. Second, some of these laws are only applicable to marital partners or people who share children, and thus might not be anywhere near major concerns for other victims. And, of course, many of the laws presume that the victim in an abusive situation is a woman.

But, shortcomings aside, here are four basic legal areas to be familiar with!

The Violence Against Women Act
VAWA was originally passed in 1994, with subsequent revisions and renewals in 2000 and 2005. You can find a comparison of the three versions here, in PDF format, which illustrates what has and hasn't changed over the last 15 years. The initial legislation is impressive in and of itself, given the fact that nothing of its sort had really been passed before. Among other things, VAWA

• Created funding for the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and subsequent state coalitions
• Developed training programs for law enforcement personnel who respond to domestic abuse calls
• Developed special advocacy programs for child victims of abuse
• Implemented community education programs for adults and youth
• Permitted immigrant women who were abused to file for resident status independent of their partners (husbands at the time)
• Made marital rape a crime

Since then, in its subsequent revisions, the scope of social research that VAWA funds has expanded. It has also been changed to grant immigrant victims of partner abuse an automatic legal resident status, and offers a legal resident status for victims of trafficking. More restrictions have been placed on perpetrators of abuse as well, including restricting who can apply for a spouse's green card and making it a felony to cross state borders to commit an act of intimate partner violence. VAWA has also been updated to be more queer-friendly as well, although the implementation of queer-friendly policies is still variable.

In short, VAWA has made anti-abuse efforts what they are today, and has made it possible for individuals to leave abusers and have the protection of the law. While it's not a perfect piece of legislation, and certainly needs more funding, it takes us a far cry from where we were 15 years ago.

Divorce Law
Divorce laws are rather tricky to talk about in general terms, because they're set on a state-by-state basis. Many states distinguish between fault and no-fault divorces (i.e. when a divorce occurs because of infidelity vs. when a divorce occurs because two people are no longer happy together), and the presence of abuse in the relationship can affect that.

The most useful thing to say about divorces in relation to domestic abuse is that victims must often be prepared for protracted legal battles. In many states, the process begins with a petition for divorce, goes through an investigative period, undergoes divorce mediation (where it can end if everyone agrees about the settlement), and, if all else fails, will be decided in divorce court. A more thorough description can be found here; particularly where abuse is concerned, however, remember that the abuser often does not want to relinquish control of the victim in any way. The abuser might fight the original petition, or may drag their victim's name through the proverbial mud in an attempt to avoid alimony. They might make the legal battle go on for years, just to keep the victim from being able to start a new legal relationship, and often exploit as many legal loopholes as they can in the process.

Many domestic abuse advocates are trained in divorce proceedings, and while they aren't lawyers, can give victims state-specific information about the process and can offer support as victims go through it.

Custody
Custody, again, is determined on a state-by-state basis, and it is best to seek a lawyer or legal advocate when beginning the process. The proceedings may happen in conjunction with divorce proceedings, or may happen when unmarried parents are separating or when a parent (often the father) wants custody rights that zie doesn't yet have.

For many states, when deciding custody cases where abuse has occurred, the deciding factor about custody or visitation will be whether the children have experienced the abuse themselves. Someone who abuses their partner but not their children will often get visitation or partial custody rights, often regardless of whether the children have witnessed the abuse. This is a tricky situation for victims to find themselves in, and is unfortunately very common. There are legitimate concerns on the part of the victim that the abuser will continue to abuse and manipulate the victim through the children, or will switch the abuse to the children themselves. Furthermore, in cases where the victim is afraid for hir own safety, there isn't always a safeguard in place for keeping the situation safe while the children leave one parent and go to visit the other. Some states such as Pennsylvania have programs that provide safe visitation sites, but it's not a universal in the US.

The other problem with custody laws that many victims fail to consider is the fact that many violations thereof are often civil matters, not criminal. An abuser who fails to pay child support isn't committing a criminal act, and neither is the abuser who fails to show up for visitation. However, failing to return children to the primary guardian on time can lead to criminal charges, especially if there's documentation of the arrangement; the same is true of arrangements to take children out-of-state if both parents reside in the same state. It is of utmost importance that any irregularities in the custody arrangement- any decisions to bring children to visit relatives in a neighbouring state, or decisions to leave children with their non-primary guardian when it's not the usual time- be documented and signed by both parties if possible. Charges of kidnapping might sound ridiculous, but can be brought under these circumstances under the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act.

Restraining Orders
As with the other two areas of law we've discussed so far, restraining orders ave a state-by-state component to them. In New Hampshire, for instance, victims need to file for restraining orders either on the basis of stalking or on the basis of domestic abuse. At this point, most states recognize that restraining orders are valuable resources for people who are experiencing abuse, but who may not be being abused by an intimate partner. Therefore, many restraining orders are available to victims of abuse by current partners, former partners, sexual intimates, other parent of children, or family members, and a marital arrangement is not a necessary condition.

Whether or not someone gets a restraining order is, of course, not nearly as straightforward as the law would make it seem. For most states, petitioners for restraining orders have the burden of proof, and must be able to demonstrate that their circumstances meet the minimum legal criteria to be eligible for the order. These criteria involve evidence of physical harm or a reasonable threat of physical harm, a reasonable fear for the victim's safety, and the relationship criteria mentioned earlier. Many states also allow for psychological abuse in restraining orders, and include criteria such as threats of suicide, stalking, the use of coercion, or harassment.

To have the best odds of winning a restraining order, victims should gather as much evidence as possible of their abuser's behaviour. Phone records, medical records, photographs, the testimony of neighbours or other potential witnesses, and police records are all acceptable forms of evidence that can help victims. Many states offer temporary restraining orders for victims who call the police in immediate danger, and these can also be used as credible evidence that a threat to the victim's safety exists. Victims should keep in mind, however, that defendants are allowed to counter-file for restraining orders; victims who have fought back against their abusers might be surprised to find that their abusers have also been documenting the psychological and physical harms that have been done to them. Not all judges will recognize (or be able to tell) the difference between abuse and self-defense.

This has been an incredibly brief overview of some very complicated topics, and I strongly encourage all readers- whether experiencing abuse or not- to do more research on the subject. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (at 1-800-799-7233) isn't just there for victims! It can refer callers to the legal resources they need for further information, and can connect callers to state coalitions for state-by-state information.

As always, if you are experiencing intimate partner abuse or know someone who is, please contact your state's Coalition Against Domestic Violence or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) for information, referrals, and safety-planning. To keep yourself safe, always remember to clear your browser history and, if using a cell phone, your call history.

From Erica: Unseen Victims of Domestic Abuse

Last week, while our posts focused on basic information about domestic abuse, we kept mentioning one thing in passing: victims of domestic abuse come from all walks of life, all backgrounds, all identities, all persuasion, and all ages. Today, I'd like to give more consideration to what that means, both for the sake of changing our stereotypes about abuse and also for the sake of increasing access to services that can help.

First, we'll go back to the stereotypical abusive relationship. Mainstream culture and media, more so than we may think, promote an image of abuse that involves a man and woman in their early-to-mid 30s, married more often than not, who are White, marginally affluent, and have a couple of children. The woman is meek, the man is domineering, and there's a lot of physical violence, especially if the husband's been drinking. The only physical or mental dis/Abilities portrayed are her injuries and his out-of-control rage.

There are so many possibilities and identities missing from this picture, it's hard to swallow. Do some people and situations mirror this image? Of course. Do all? Certainly not, and the problem is that our society, including many of the legal and social initiatives that exist to eradicate domestic abuse, often only accommodates this one.

Let's just take a brief look at who gets left out by this picture:

• People of Colour
• Lesbian, gay, and bisexual folks
• Trans and intersex folks
• The elderly
• Men who are abused by women
• Adolescents
• People with dis/Abilities
• Folks who aren't married
• Folks living at one socioeconomic extreme or another
• Immigrants, particularly those who don't speak English fluently
• Folks being abused by relatives other than their spouse or partner
• Folks from particularly strong religious families or communities
• Victims with active addictions to alcohol or illicit substances
• People living with HIV/AIDS
  

For folks in these and other groups, the barriers to leaving an abusive relationship are compounded by the additional barriers their abusers may throw at them, along with stigmas from others and themselves.

As an example, let's look at People of Colour, particularly those who may be living in a predominately White area. One barrier to leaving an abusive relationship might be fear of "confirming" a negative stereotype about a particular racial or ethnic background. Consider stereotypes about African-American men- that they're highly aggressive, sexualized, and dangerous- and consider how a predominately White community might react to the news that their neighbour is being abused by her African-American husband. Or consider how that community might react if it becomes apparent that abuse is happening in a couple of Middle Eastern origin, given that White society assumes that partner abuse is acceptable in Middle Eastern cultures. Rather than supporting the victim in escaping the abusive situation, the community might defect to the stereotypes and assume that "it's okay for you, this is supposed to happen." It might also happen that the community be supportive, but act in a way that suggests that they're "rescuing" the victim from a bad situation caused by the race or ethno-cultural background of their abuser. Either way, dealing with the racism of the community or society at large- and potentially confirming it by revealing the abuse- can be a significant barrier to leaving.

In a similar vein, lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, and intersex folk all face barriers associated with community-based and society-based stigma. In an effort to gain acceptance of their relationships, LGBTI folks and their allies have often painted extra-rosy pictures of their day-to-day lives. Coming out about abuse can disrupt this positive stereotype and exchange it for the negative one: that LGBTI folk are incapable of having responsible, healthy relationships. And on the subject of "coming out:" for the LGBTI person who isn't out, the threat of being involuntarily "outed" by their abuser can be enough to keep them from trying to leave their situation, particularly if their families or friends are homo- or trans-phobic or if their employers are likely to fire them shortly thereafter. The latter is especially a concern for trans folks, since gender presentation is not protected by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in the US.

Stereotypes and stigmas are massive barriers for all of the folks on the list above- people with dis/Abilities (they have relationships?), the elderly (they have relationships?), adolescents (it can't be serious, it's puppy love), religious folks (their religions must say it's okay), immigrants (they don't know any better), men being abused by women (he's a sissy or he's lying), people at socioeconomic extremes (they don't know any better or they're rich so who cares?), folks who aren't married (they get what's coming to them), folks with active addictions or HIV/AIDS (they deserve what they get), and folks who are being abused by non-partners (that doesn't count as abuse). And one of the big problems that these stereotypes cause is that shelters, hotlines, counseling services, and legal protections often buy into them as well.

This buying-in doesn't necessarily mean that shelters openly espouse the sorts of views I've described here. Rather, it tends to mean that organizations often forget that there are special barriers for these victims and that they may come with particular needs as a result. For example, neither of the shelters I've worked at was readily accessible for anyone in a wheelchair, and for safety reasons, neither of them permitted victims to bring any caregivers to the shelter. Suddenly, a victim who requires assistance to eat, use the bathroom, bathe, or do any number of mundane activities is unable to go to a shelter because of the fear- on the part of the shelters- that a caregiver is the primary abuser or will be unable to maintain the confidentiality of the shelter location. Many shelters, including those funded by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, don't have space for male survivors of any sexuality, gender-queer survivors never cross their radars, and even trans women will often be asked to leave if they're "outed" to shelter staff- something I've seen happen. Adolescents, unless they're over the age of 18, are rarely accepted to shelters in their own right, because legally they're supposed to be residing with their parents. Folks with active addictions are often turned away for liability reasons. And it can be costly and impractical for shelters to provide resources, referrals, and staff that are competent in many languages and cultures and familiar with immigration laws.

Of course, the barriers presented by "buying in" are legal as well; many of the legal protections we'll discuss next week, such as restraining orders and custody papers, are more difficult to obtain when there are stereotypes operating against one's credibility and capabilities. A pernicious stereotype that affects the ability of LGBTI people to get restraining orders, for example, is that abuse between LGBTI partners is just "fighting between friends," and therefore no restraining order is needed. One's ability to express oneself verbally or in writing- in English or in any language- can impact that as well, and having a mental health diagnosis (especially bipolar disorder or schizophrenia) also reduces the likelihood that one's story will be believed.

Later in the week we'll come back to this topic and take a closer look at the social power dynamics that impact marginalized peoples' decisions to leave abusive situations. For now, however, I invite you to check out some of the Domestic Violence Awareness Month activities that are going on around the country, and participate if you are able!

As always, if you are experiencing intimate partner abuse or know someone who is, please contact your state's Coalition Against Domestic Violence or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) for information, referrals, and safety-planning. To keep yourself safe, always remember to clear your browser history and, if using a cell phone, your call history.

From Erica: Mythbusters time!

Intimate partner abuse has been around about as long as people have been having relationships with each other, but it wasn't until recently that it was talked about openly, recognized as a unique crime, and dealt with in the law. In fact, it wasn't until 1974 that domestic abuse shelters even existed. Between the long years of silence and the caricatures of domestic abuse portrayed in popular media, there are a lot of myths and misconceptions floating around out there. These have all kinds of implications for working with victims and survivors of abuse, from lack of support to outright denial of their legal rights and protections. Today, we present to you:

TEN COMMON MYTHS ABOUT INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE

Myth #1: It's only abuse if someone gets hit.
As we saw on Monday, there are many forms of abuse that occur in unhealthy or violent relationships, and only one of them is physical violence. In fact, most people who have been victimized by abusive partners say that physical abuse was the last form of abuse they experienced, after the abuser had been using everything else. In 44% of abuse cases with female victims, physical abuse doesn't begin until after the victim is pregnant or gives birth. Many victims that I've worked with have said that the emotional injuries of abuse take many times longer to heal than any physical injuries they have.

Myth #2: Abuse is a "family matter," not a public one.
There is a common idea that abuse is a private concern and should not be aired in public. This can keep organizations such as the police from offering much-needed assistance to victims, and can keep victims from feeling that they can or should tell anyone about their situation.

The fact of the matter is that abuse is criminal behaviour and, as such, is never a private concern. It can have long-reaching consequences, from psychological effects on children, to missed hours and days in the workplace, to increased burdens on medical providers, to emotional stress on family and friends. When a person is being abused- is being psychologically tortured, physically and sexually assaulted, and prevented from seeking help- it is not something that we can remain silent about.

Myth #3: Abuse only happens in "problem" families.
The idea of a "problem family," one where so many other dysfunctional factors exist that abuse is hardly a problem, is troublesome and a myth about abuse. As the Outreach Coordinator of a domestic abuse organization in New Hampshire put it: "The idea of a 'problem' family is immediately suspect because it presupposes the existence of non-problem or 'normal' families in the majority of homes. The concept of a non-problem family masks the realty of the statistics on abuse: according to the FBI, one in four women is a victim of domestic abuse...The myth that only 'problem' families experience violence also encourages social service workers, police, and court personnel to look for 'reasons' and family 'problems' to explain away the violence."

Myth #4: Abuse only happens between a man and a woman.
There is no one type of relationship in which abuse occurs. The stereotype is that a man beats his girlfriend or his wife; the reality is a lot more complicated. Abuse can happen in any relationship- friendship, partnership, relatives- in which one person chooses to exert power over another. While women are overwhelmingly the victims of reported cases of abuse, and men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators in the same, it is important that we begin to recognize that abuse can happen between adolescents (approximately one in four, as with adults), in same-sex couples (one million cases of same-sex violence are reported in the US each year), and with female perpetrators and male victims. On Monday, we'll be talking more about victims and survivors whose needs aren't met as a result of this myth.

Myth #5: Abuse only happens because a person is high or drunk at the time.
The myth that a person abuses because they are high or drunk is incredibly pervasive, but not true. Abusers who also use alcohol or drugs will abuse when they are high or drunk, but also when they are sober. Some abusers don't use alcohol or drugs at all. For those that do, promising to seek assistance for substance abuse can be an effective means of maintaining control: as long as their victims believe that it's the alcohol or drugs that cause the abuse, apologies and promises to stop using will sound like the end of the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, the problem of abuse lies not in being drunk or high, but in making the decision to be abusive. Until that decision is changed, the abuse will continue.

Similarly, many people assume that abusers have problems with their temper and need anger management therapy in order to stop abusing. Again, abuse is a decision, not an effect of a short temper. Abusers are often able to handle frustrating or angering situations at work or in other settings in a calm or reasonable manner, but choose not to do so with their partners. Abuse is a choice, not an accident.

Myth #6: It's only low-income families that deal with abuse.
This is a myth that is particularly prevalent in social service jobs, simply because many of the people who access services such as domestic abuse shelters are financially limited and can't pursue other options, like staying in a hotel or flying to family members in different states. Affluent victims of abuse may face unique challenges to escaping abuse, including pressure to "keep up appearances" of having a perfect life. The evidence shows that people from all walks of life can experience abuse and can be abusers; "certain kinds" of people aren't predisposed to violence.

Myth #7: Abused women are an easily-definable, easily recognized group.
If you believe TV and politicians, "abused women" are almost always married to an alcoholic or addict, 20-35 years old, unemployed, mothers to two or more children, religious, and are passive and meek. This is a myth. People who are abused come from every country, every background, every age group, and every sort of identity. Some victims do represent this stereotype, but many more do not. There is no particular kind of person who is more likely to be abused than any other.

Myth #8: Victims of abuse wanted it or asked for it with their behaviours.
This is a particularly damaging myth that holds no truth. Many victims are told by their abusers that they deserve the abuse they experience, or have asked for it by being "disobedient." Many are also told that they provoked the abuse in the first place, because they "know" that their abusers will respond in a certain way. Furthermore, as the Outreach Coordinator says, "many [victims] have been questioned, by those from whom they have sought help, as to what they did to provoke such violence, and have been counseled to look to themselves for reasons and/or blame for violence, and to change their own behaviour in order to avoid abuse. This has encouraged many victims to stay in a violent relationship for years, trying to discover just what they do to provoke attacks. It is erroneous and demeaning to claim that anyone ever deserves the violence done to them."

Something to consider, readers, takes us back to the cycle of violence I described on Monday: the cycle that begins with tension-building, has an abusive phase, and then switches into a "honeymoon" phase where everything seems perfect. While "provocation" is a very loaded word to use, it must be acknowledged that some victims will facilitate an abusive incident as a means of survival. The tension-building phase may have become too intense to psychologically bear, or they want the abuser to be in a "honeymoon" frame of mind for when children come home from school, or they need the assistance of police to escape the abuse and feel they can only justify a 9-1-1 call if an abusive incident is happening at the moment.

Regardless of survival tactics, remember that no one ever "asks for" or deserves the violence that someone perpetrates against them. The decision to abuse is made by the abuser, and is made in lieu of other potential responses to any behaviour of the victim. The abuser is always solely responsible for the violence that happens.

Myth #9: It's not that bad because the victim isn't leaving.
This is a myth that is easier to answer with statistics from the Department of Justice than with discussion:

• Within two years of leaving an abusive relationship, one in three victims will be killed by their abuser.
• 75% of fatal attacks by an abuser occur when a victim is trying to leave, or has recently left, the relationship.
• A victim will try to leave their abuser an average of seven times before being able to leave permanently.
• In 85% of cases of domestic homicide, the police were summoned to the home at least once before the murder occurred; in 50% of these cases, the police had been called to the home five or more times.
• Four women are murdered by their partners every day in the US.

Clearly, fear for one's own safety is a significant barrier to leaving an abusive relationship; in fact, the truth of the myth is often, "it must be very bad because the victim isn't leaving."

While the statistics are scary on their own, there are other barriers to leaving that victims must deal with. Among these are financial concerns, particularly if the victim has not been working or been able to have access to personal finances; concerns about moving children, if the victim has any; concerns for the safety of pets; and, of course, the psychological abuse that has told a victim that they don't deserve help and won't be believed if they go anywhere.

Myth #10: Abused women abuse their children, and abused children grow up to be in abusive relationships as adults.
This myth is one of the ways in which we, as a society, attempt to excuse or explain away domestic abuse. If abuse is all that a person knows, how can we blame them for perpetrating it? The evidence, however, point to no connection between experiencing abuse as a child and experiencing it as an adult, and no connection between being a victim of abuse as an adult and perpetrating it on a child. Abusers choose to abuse their partners, and have grown up knowing that there are many ways that relationships function. The decision to abuse is always a decision.

I hope that this has helped clarify some of the myths that we have surrounding intimate partner abuse! For further reading, I recommend checking out this fact sheet that the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence put together, compiling statistics from national studies, the Department of Justice and the FBI, and reports from their own shelters in the 50 states. I also recommend, if you want another perspective, reading the American Bar Association's fact sheet, which gives phenomenal information, demographic statistics, and legal options.

As always, if you are experiencing intimate partner abuse or know someone who is, please contact your state's Coalition Against Domestic Violence or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) for information, referrals, and safety-planning. To keep yourself safe, always remember to clear your browser history and, if using a cell phone, your call history.