From Erica: Mythbusters time!

Intimate partner abuse has been around about as long as people have been having relationships with each other, but it wasn't until recently that it was talked about openly, recognized as a unique crime, and dealt with in the law. In fact, it wasn't until 1974 that domestic abuse shelters even existed. Between the long years of silence and the caricatures of domestic abuse portrayed in popular media, there are a lot of myths and misconceptions floating around out there. These have all kinds of implications for working with victims and survivors of abuse, from lack of support to outright denial of their legal rights and protections. Today, we present to you:

TEN COMMON MYTHS ABOUT INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE

Myth #1: It's only abuse if someone gets hit.
As we saw on Monday, there are many forms of abuse that occur in unhealthy or violent relationships, and only one of them is physical violence. In fact, most people who have been victimized by abusive partners say that physical abuse was the last form of abuse they experienced, after the abuser had been using everything else. In 44% of abuse cases with female victims, physical abuse doesn't begin until after the victim is pregnant or gives birth. Many victims that I've worked with have said that the emotional injuries of abuse take many times longer to heal than any physical injuries they have.

Myth #2: Abuse is a "family matter," not a public one.
There is a common idea that abuse is a private concern and should not be aired in public. This can keep organizations such as the police from offering much-needed assistance to victims, and can keep victims from feeling that they can or should tell anyone about their situation.

The fact of the matter is that abuse is criminal behaviour and, as such, is never a private concern. It can have long-reaching consequences, from psychological effects on children, to missed hours and days in the workplace, to increased burdens on medical providers, to emotional stress on family and friends. When a person is being abused- is being psychologically tortured, physically and sexually assaulted, and prevented from seeking help- it is not something that we can remain silent about.

Myth #3: Abuse only happens in "problem" families.
The idea of a "problem family," one where so many other dysfunctional factors exist that abuse is hardly a problem, is troublesome and a myth about abuse. As the Outreach Coordinator of a domestic abuse organization in New Hampshire put it: "The idea of a 'problem' family is immediately suspect because it presupposes the existence of non-problem or 'normal' families in the majority of homes. The concept of a non-problem family masks the realty of the statistics on abuse: according to the FBI, one in four women is a victim of domestic abuse...The myth that only 'problem' families experience violence also encourages social service workers, police, and court personnel to look for 'reasons' and family 'problems' to explain away the violence."

Myth #4: Abuse only happens between a man and a woman.
There is no one type of relationship in which abuse occurs. The stereotype is that a man beats his girlfriend or his wife; the reality is a lot more complicated. Abuse can happen in any relationship- friendship, partnership, relatives- in which one person chooses to exert power over another. While women are overwhelmingly the victims of reported cases of abuse, and men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators in the same, it is important that we begin to recognize that abuse can happen between adolescents (approximately one in four, as with adults), in same-sex couples (one million cases of same-sex violence are reported in the US each year), and with female perpetrators and male victims. On Monday, we'll be talking more about victims and survivors whose needs aren't met as a result of this myth.

Myth #5: Abuse only happens because a person is high or drunk at the time.
The myth that a person abuses because they are high or drunk is incredibly pervasive, but not true. Abusers who also use alcohol or drugs will abuse when they are high or drunk, but also when they are sober. Some abusers don't use alcohol or drugs at all. For those that do, promising to seek assistance for substance abuse can be an effective means of maintaining control: as long as their victims believe that it's the alcohol or drugs that cause the abuse, apologies and promises to stop using will sound like the end of the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, the problem of abuse lies not in being drunk or high, but in making the decision to be abusive. Until that decision is changed, the abuse will continue.

Similarly, many people assume that abusers have problems with their temper and need anger management therapy in order to stop abusing. Again, abuse is a decision, not an effect of a short temper. Abusers are often able to handle frustrating or angering situations at work or in other settings in a calm or reasonable manner, but choose not to do so with their partners. Abuse is a choice, not an accident.

Myth #6: It's only low-income families that deal with abuse.
This is a myth that is particularly prevalent in social service jobs, simply because many of the people who access services such as domestic abuse shelters are financially limited and can't pursue other options, like staying in a hotel or flying to family members in different states. Affluent victims of abuse may face unique challenges to escaping abuse, including pressure to "keep up appearances" of having a perfect life. The evidence shows that people from all walks of life can experience abuse and can be abusers; "certain kinds" of people aren't predisposed to violence.

Myth #7: Abused women are an easily-definable, easily recognized group.
If you believe TV and politicians, "abused women" are almost always married to an alcoholic or addict, 20-35 years old, unemployed, mothers to two or more children, religious, and are passive and meek. This is a myth. People who are abused come from every country, every background, every age group, and every sort of identity. Some victims do represent this stereotype, but many more do not. There is no particular kind of person who is more likely to be abused than any other.

Myth #8: Victims of abuse wanted it or asked for it with their behaviours.
This is a particularly damaging myth that holds no truth. Many victims are told by their abusers that they deserve the abuse they experience, or have asked for it by being "disobedient." Many are also told that they provoked the abuse in the first place, because they "know" that their abusers will respond in a certain way. Furthermore, as the Outreach Coordinator says, "many [victims] have been questioned, by those from whom they have sought help, as to what they did to provoke such violence, and have been counseled to look to themselves for reasons and/or blame for violence, and to change their own behaviour in order to avoid abuse. This has encouraged many victims to stay in a violent relationship for years, trying to discover just what they do to provoke attacks. It is erroneous and demeaning to claim that anyone ever deserves the violence done to them."

Something to consider, readers, takes us back to the cycle of violence I described on Monday: the cycle that begins with tension-building, has an abusive phase, and then switches into a "honeymoon" phase where everything seems perfect. While "provocation" is a very loaded word to use, it must be acknowledged that some victims will facilitate an abusive incident as a means of survival. The tension-building phase may have become too intense to psychologically bear, or they want the abuser to be in a "honeymoon" frame of mind for when children come home from school, or they need the assistance of police to escape the abuse and feel they can only justify a 9-1-1 call if an abusive incident is happening at the moment.

Regardless of survival tactics, remember that no one ever "asks for" or deserves the violence that someone perpetrates against them. The decision to abuse is made by the abuser, and is made in lieu of other potential responses to any behaviour of the victim. The abuser is always solely responsible for the violence that happens.

Myth #9: It's not that bad because the victim isn't leaving.
This is a myth that is easier to answer with statistics from the Department of Justice than with discussion:

• Within two years of leaving an abusive relationship, one in three victims will be killed by their abuser.
• 75% of fatal attacks by an abuser occur when a victim is trying to leave, or has recently left, the relationship.
• A victim will try to leave their abuser an average of seven times before being able to leave permanently.
• In 85% of cases of domestic homicide, the police were summoned to the home at least once before the murder occurred; in 50% of these cases, the police had been called to the home five or more times.
• Four women are murdered by their partners every day in the US.

Clearly, fear for one's own safety is a significant barrier to leaving an abusive relationship; in fact, the truth of the myth is often, "it must be very bad because the victim isn't leaving."

While the statistics are scary on their own, there are other barriers to leaving that victims must deal with. Among these are financial concerns, particularly if the victim has not been working or been able to have access to personal finances; concerns about moving children, if the victim has any; concerns for the safety of pets; and, of course, the psychological abuse that has told a victim that they don't deserve help and won't be believed if they go anywhere.

Myth #10: Abused women abuse their children, and abused children grow up to be in abusive relationships as adults.
This myth is one of the ways in which we, as a society, attempt to excuse or explain away domestic abuse. If abuse is all that a person knows, how can we blame them for perpetrating it? The evidence, however, point to no connection between experiencing abuse as a child and experiencing it as an adult, and no connection between being a victim of abuse as an adult and perpetrating it on a child. Abusers choose to abuse their partners, and have grown up knowing that there are many ways that relationships function. The decision to abuse is always a decision.

I hope that this has helped clarify some of the myths that we have surrounding intimate partner abuse! For further reading, I recommend checking out this fact sheet that the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence put together, compiling statistics from national studies, the Department of Justice and the FBI, and reports from their own shelters in the 50 states. I also recommend, if you want another perspective, reading the American Bar Association's fact sheet, which gives phenomenal information, demographic statistics, and legal options.

As always, if you are experiencing intimate partner abuse or know someone who is, please contact your state's Coalition Against Domestic Violence or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) for information, referrals, and safety-planning. To keep yourself safe, always remember to clear your browser history and, if using a cell phone, your call history.

From Erica: Domestic Abuse 101

Domestic abuse. Domestic violence. Intimate partner violence. Conjugal violence. Battering. Wife or spousal abuse. It goes by many names, faces, and types. Its victims are old, young, dis/Abled, Abled, female, male, women, men, transfolk, queer, straight, White, People of Colour, wealthy, economically disadvantaged, addicts, clean, and possess varying levels of formal education. It has numerous levels of severity, from annoying to fatal, and it is dealt with in a number of ways. At times, even for those who aren't living with it on a daily basis, it can be overwhelming to comprehend. I hope this post- and this week of posts in general- will help clarify some of the myths and misconceptions that many of us in the Western contexts often have.

Let's begin with the basics. What exactly is abuse? The shortest, most useful definition is that intimate partner abuse is a pattern of behaviours used by one person to gain power and control over another. This is quite broad, obviously, but also quite functional: since abuse can take many forms, it's a blanket definition that can help individuals recognize when they're dealing with harmful or dangerous behaviours from their partners.

Because the definition of abuse is so broad, here are the six primary categories that abusive behaviours tend to fall into, and some examples of each:

• Physical. Physical abuse is probably the best-known form of abuse, but is also usually the last to appear in an abusive relationship. It includes any form of manipulative or violent physical contact, including punching, slapping, kicking, choking, hair-pulling, and the use of weapons to inflict injury.
• Verbal. Verbal abuse includes a range of behaviours such as yelling, screaming, swearing, and even the non-use of words (i.e. the silent treatment).
• Emotional/psychological. This often overlaps with verbal abuse, although it doesn't have to. Psychological abuse can include things like playing mind games (i.e. "changing the rules" of how things are supposed to be run in the relationship), using constant put-downs to keep a person's self-esteem low, using verbal or nonverbal threats, blaming the victim for the abuse, saying that the abuse is normal or good, and "yanking their partner's chain" by deliberately antagonizing, provoking, or pushing them.
• Sexual. This can include rape, sexual assault, forced prostitution, the use of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) as threat or control measure, withholding sex as a means of getting what one wants, or any other type of unwanted or non-mutual sexual conduct. While there have been some myths about this in the past, rape is a crime regardless of the marital status of the individuals involved.
• Financial. Financial abuse includes a variety of behaviours that limit a person's access to economic freedoms that are rightfully theirs, including having all mortgages, credit cards, bank accounts, and leases in the abuser's name, forcing a person to turn over all or most of their paycheck, preventing a person from getting a job, and putting a person on a limited allowance.
• Social. Social abuse disconnects a person from their friends and families, which both keeps a person from reaching out for help and from hearing anything that contradicts the things an abuser is telling them. It can include spreading rumours to friends, refusing to allow a person to see their friends or family without supervision (or even at all), and keeping a person in the house or apartment.

Obviously, there is overlap between all of these categories, and often multiple forms of abuse are used at the same time. What is clear from looking at these is that the goal of abuse is to put the victim under the abuser's control: cutting them off from support networks, convincing them that they're responsible for the abuse and thus deserve it, and making it impossible for them to leave safely.

One of the most common questions that is asked of domestic abuse crisis workers, and victims and survivors of abuse, is why they stayed or why they didn't leave. The stereotype is that a victim is helpless and stupid, and doesn't know any better than being kicked around by their partner. Obviously, this is a myth. We'll explore the reasons people stay in abusive situations later in the week, during our mythbusters post, but one of the reasons is this: it doesn't happen overnight.

Look at it this way. If you went on a first date with someone, and their version of a good-night kiss was to punch you in the face, you'd probably never see them again. You might even call the police. Most abusive relationships start out exactly like non-abusive relationships. Everyone seems charming, friendly, and good-intentioned. It isn't until a few dates later that things start to go wrong, and even then they do so very slowly. Think about the "frog in hot water" metaphor: if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it'll hop right out. But if you put a frog in nice, cool, pond-temperature water, and turn the temperature up degree by degree, the frog will become accustomed to the heat and will boil to death before it even realizes what's happening.

Abusive relationships tend to follow a cycle format. They start with something small, a few dates in- a rude remark, inconsiderate behaviour, or maybe boundary-pushing around sex. The abuser might apologize and make quick excuses- they had a bad day, or you caught them off-guard, or they thought you were "cooler" than that- and things move on. Over time, things get more and more serious. There will be a period where the victim feels like things are getting more and more tense, then an abusive explosion, and then a period of apologies and excuses- excuses that exonerate the abuser, and excuses that blame the victim. The cycle continues and the abuse gets more and more serious. According to research data collected across the United States by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), the cycle only ends when the relationship ends. And when each abusive incident is followed by excuses and promises- "I just lost my temper; I'll get counseling." "You know what I'm like when I'm drunk. You can't provoke me like that." "If you'd done as I asked, this wouldn't've happened." "I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again"- it's understandable that a victim might believe what the abuser's saying, and might hope that this time will be different.

Finally, while we'll be discussing this further when we mythbust, I think it's important to emphasize that abuse is never the victim's fault. It may take two to tango, and arguments may be a two-way street (and every other cliché description), but abusive behaviours are choices made by the abuser alone. An abuser always has the power to choose alternatives to abusive behaviour; even if not during the incident, they always have the power to make good on their promises and actually change for the future. There is no excuse for abuse.

Later this week, we'll have a post that examines some of the more pervasive myths surrounding intimate partner abuse. We'll look into where the myths come from, and what the truths about them are. See you then!

From Erica: Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2009

Dear Readers,

Welcome to the kickoff of Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2009 at Not Another Wave! We've got quite a month planned out for you here, all around the theme of domestic abuse and what you can do to help prevent and end it.

First, on every Monday, we will have a huge post on a special topic for the week. We'll be covering things like what domestic abuse is and isn't, who can be affected by it, what some of the legal opportunities and barriers are for people who are experiencing abuse, and, of course, what are the ways each of us can support the victims and survivors we know.

Then, throughout the weeks, we'll have a variety of posts related to the topic discussed on Monday. There will be stories about personal experience, stories about advocacy, and stories about change. Some of these will be from the authors of Not Another Wave, and some will be reader submissions.

In the meantime, we encourage you to check out a few websites and start thinking about what kind of a difference YOU can make in the weeks to come. We suggest looking at The Domestic Violence Awareness Project being put on by the National Resource Centre on Domestic Violence, or if you want some more background information, check out the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

We're looking forward to this month, and we hope you are too. And remember, if you have any experiences you want to share, please read our post on submissions and your privacy and email us your stories!

See you on Monday,
Not Another Wave

From Lux: a letter to the patriarchy

Dear The Patriarchy,

Hi! How are you? Still putting it about that women have all the real power? Hilarious!

Well, another Fashion Week has been and gone and with it the still-not-getting-old debate about how size zero models are destroying our nations teen girls and whether "large" models can walk properly. Naturally, you like to offer your opinion on the subject, as you do in all things, and I can really see how you are trying to help. That said, I am really not sure that endlessly carping on about how skinny women look "weird" and how you would rather have a "real" woman is actually improving the situation as much as you think it is. It may surprise you to learn, patriarchy, that not all issues about the female body are directly connected to your collective penis. As it transpires, while you get to have a crazy amount of influence in the way we girls see our bodies, you don't actually dictate every aspect of our self image. I know!

The fashion industry cares little about whether you get your rocks off over their models. A huge, vapid, global behemoth with a largely female client base gets to define beauty any way it likes, for better or worse. The way it currently stands, I'm leaning towards worse, but not because you find double-A cups and jutting collar bones to be a bonerkiller. Yeah, sure, you want to do Cristal Renn. Who doesn't? But her story and her success in the fashion world has implications that transcend your groin. And blaming a secret "gay fashion mafia" for making flat chests and slim hips into an ideal body shape is not only daft and hand-waving a whole set of complex societal issues, it also makes you seem like homophobic as well as simply misogynist. Your dazzling resistance to believe that any concept of female attractiveness simply has to be about your desires almost makes me admire the fashion industry. Please do not make me admire the fashion industry, patriarchy!

While we are on the subject of body image, I feel I should point out that eating disorders are a far more complex psychological issue than "wanting to look like Kate Moss", a cliche that never gets old, by the way. Sometimes, it's not about wanting to please you, either, or wanting to conform to some unattainable standard of beauty. You know, the kind perpetuated by the magazines and films you like so much. Sometimes, it's about self-destruction and about control, and this is a state of mind that transcends gender. So when a man admits to this particular self-destructive urge, how about not giving it a funny name like "manorexia" or taking the piss or adding little emasculating comments of your own, as if the stigma of mental illness were not enough. There are other ways of hating your body than punishing yourself at the gym, patriarchy. Or crying yourself to sleep at night wondering how Don Draper makes it all look so easy.

So, patriarchy, I see what you're trying to do for us poor, poor ladies. But this is one time (among thousands) that you should maybe butt out. I know it's hard to accept that sometimes your judgment of our bodies is neither wanted, needed or appreciated, but it's time to realise that your desires don't get a say in everything we do. It's time to move on. Get a hobby maybe. Have you thought about knitting?

From Emily: For the Men

I keep hoping that one, just one, of the many male people who claim to be my friend will come through and contribute to Not Another Wave. But, since that is not happening, I've decided I need to speak up for them.

So, the other day I'm walking home from campus, and I hear this girl shout out to a nearby guy, "Hey! My friend likes your butt!!" It wouldn't be such a big problem, except that this was at Brigham young University. And, let me tell you, most BYU girls would freak out if a boy yelled that at them. I think a lot of women would - it would seem obscene, rude, and utterly inappropriate. Some might even label it "sexual harassment," since it took place on campus. The guy just shook his head and kept walking, but I was irate on his behalf. I don't know where the mistaken belief that there's no such thing as a man being abused, raped, or harassed came from, but I think men deserve just as much respect as women. Nobody deserves to be objectified, men included.

And you know what else? I think we're in a culture that unfairly stereotypes all men as either pathetic losers or promiscuous, testosterone-driven, emotionally dense slobs. Is that true for some men? Of course! But certainly not for all of them, and probably not even for a majority of men. In fact, a few years ago I was in a class where our teacher tried to demonstrate something about the difference between men and women by having us play a game, girls against guys. He said the point of the game was to get as many points as you could, and that there was no competition between teams. You had to choose either "yes" or "no" in each round, and what you chose compared to the other team determined how many points your team earned. If both teams chose "yes," you'd both end up with a high number of points - however, if one team chose "yes" and the other chose "no," the team that chose "yes" would get fewer points, and the team that chose "no" would still get the highest possible number of points.

Well, I wasn't stupid - I knew exactly what the men were going to do - they were going to lie to our faces, act nice, and then stab us in the back in their desire to have the highest possible score. So I talked my team into choosing "no," since I thought we'd get more points that way. (if both teams chose "no," they got more points than if only one person chose "no"). Turns out the guys had chosen "yes." So, the guys told us they wanted to cooperate and both choose "Yes" in the second round, but I still didn't believe them, so once again I talked my team into choosing "no." And once again, the guys chose "yes." Again, they offered to choose "yes" along with us. So, we chose yes, driven by guilt more than anything else.

Our teacher had been using this experiment for 10 years, and he had never once had a class where the girls chose "no" on the first round and the guys chose "yes." NEVER. It almost always worked out that the guys said they wanted to cooperate, and then they didn't. I recently learned that the teacher is still using the activity, and my class is still the only class to defy those stereotypes.

So, what does this say about me? Am I more masculine than BYU guys since I'm from the East? I sincerely doubt it. Do I have issues with trusting men? Eh, yeah, I kind of do, as all of my exes can attest. Am I unusually competetive for a woman? Probably. But I don't think I'm just an anomaly. There's just a lot of deviation within each gender, and a lot of overlap between genders. Even in a predominantly heterosexual environment like BYU.

Now, I'm not trying to say men consistently get the short end of the stick. I don't believe that any more than I believe white, heterosexual, Christian, middle class Americans consistently get the short end of the stick. But I really do feel for men, whatever life situation they may be in. Men are sometimes told to suck it up and accept injustices in their lives that most people would never encourage a woman to accept in her life, and they're also fed stereotypes about themselves that simply are not true.

So, although I tend to focus on the injustices and problems women face, I don't forget what men have to put up with too. Maybe some day we'll all just treat each other with decency and respect.

From Erica: a brief rant

As the title of this post says, I'm going to be brief here. The basic background of my frustration, which is what prompts me to post here, is that my partner's father emailed me a series of posters from World War II, with a series of statements amounting to "Why aren't we patriotic, God-fearing, freedom-loving Americans anymore?" I answered, essentially, that we'd taken quite a dose of hypocrisy during and after the 1940s, what with the internment of Japanese Americans and Jim Crow, and had subsequently learned (in theory) not to blindly paint ourselves as the good guys in every conflict. In his answer, he told me that I learned to hate America by going to school in Canada, that my partner's grandfather fought for these freedoms that I took for granted, and that's what makes me a good liberal.

In list form, here's my outrage:

• Every fifth grader in the United States is taught about the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II, and every fifth grader is taught about Jim Crow laws and how they impacted African Americans. It's not like these are lies being spread by non-Americans to slander our good name. They happened. Their effects continue to be felt. I didn't need to go to Canada to learn about them. If he'd been paying attention in school, he would've learned these things too.
• Having an ambivalent opinion about the United States, its history, and its potential doesn't mean I "hate" America. It means I'm honest, and not blinded by some patriotic dogma. I think it's given a lot of people a lot of things to be proud of, and I think it has the potential to do even better. But that doesn't mean that I will unthinkingly follow its every move with a zealot level of enthusiasm and approval. And honestly, I think that's the best way to do it, no matter whose side you're on. Unthinking or unconditional acceptance of any political group or belief system is a recipe for disaster.
• My grandfather fought in WWII as well, and resigned in protest over the Vietnam War. This is something that, to a certain extent, I'm proud of his memory for- conscientious objections to war aside. Attempting to use someone's grandparents as a guilt mechanism is a pretty cheap tactic, and something for which I have no respect.

There we go. I've ranted, and I feel much better. See you soon for the kickoff of Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2009!

Call for Domestic Violence Awareness Submissions

Dear Friends and Readers,

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and Erica and Emily will be compiling posts that address that theme. In order to more fully raise awareness and combat myths, Not Another Wave is looking for submissions about survivors and victims of domestic abuse, whether the stories involve yourself, friends, or family. The submissions can be written in whatever format you prefer, including poetry, free-form prose, letters, or anything else that you fancy.

In order to make contributors feel as safe as possible, the mods at Not Another Wave offer the following considerations:

• Please consider the safety and privacy of yourself and the people you write about, and feel free to change any names or dates you feel you need to (including your own).
• If you have a story of the ongoing abuse of anyone younger than 18 or older than 65, please bear in mind that we are legally obligated to report it to the proper authorities.
• We've got a plethora of resources at our disposal! Anyone who would like more information, referrals to local organizations, or similar materials is welcome to them- all you need to do is ask.

Just send us a line at notanotherwave@gmail.com and we'll include your submission in our October schedule.

-- Not Another Wave --